I don’t know how to give a title to a poem. Whoever read this can give their own title for it.

Look,

did you see

it;

in a faraway distant corner

us becoming a part of it.

Every word we speak,

we spoke;

broken down into tiny particles

yet it remains out there

in the void;

in it’s nothingness.

Imagine,

our imagination failed

to grasp the situation; two boiling minds

had to have a partition.

Silent,

we remain,

the thunder inside,

the hunger inside

locked away

the togetherness

taken away

or is it; we leaving it away.

Memories,

out in the open

hope,

no miracle

as we expected

maybe deep inside and our god

MAYBE

no one will notice

understand

dreams drifting away with the winds.

Darkness,

the only thing left

or is it too much

light.

Stranded,

we look around

free to roam

no chain to tie us down.

Fear,

we had none

or maybe too much

pain

reflected backwards.

Pleasure,

we are alive

yet we hope so.

The abyss,

that we jumped in

maybe

does not have a bottom.

In it’s darkness,

the light you were

warm enough for the fall

the great fall;

maybe it will end,

maybe it will not

our determination

so strong yet so humble.

All of it remains,

inside

deep within.

Come out

come out from the darkness

who called?

we stare in silence

minds far away

no distraction

nothing to sway our thoughts away.

Far too far

we roam.

Lost,

confused.

Who am I?

Who are you?

Side,

we chose none

neither black nor white

gray,

always, everywhere.

Our faded images

cannot remember

the colour we shared.

Return,

never to go back.

Forward,

in solitude we are lost.

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Experiments with Life

Do I belong here? Is this the right thing to do? Why am i here? Is there any purpose of my existence or it’s just an entertainment we all go through of life, death and you can recall all of the rest. Is everything overrated or is it just me underating everything in my narrow yet infinite frame of mind. For me there is no purpose. We are born purely of chance but the best thing is we’ve got a certain death. Don’t go on misreading me again. I was wondering through the back pages of my life. I call it the book of my life with an introduction and chapters. One chapter ends and another starts without a pause. So after going vaguely through the introduction, i decided i will try to label myself with an adjective. Everybody’s labelled themselves with all sorts of adjectives so what’s wrong with me labelling myself . Then the pages started to turn and the chapters followed. At some point I laughed my brains out, at some points i wanted to cry aloud, let all my misery engulf all the humans. Yet i didn’t stop i kept on turning the pages and  after some chapters I came to realize how much I’ve grown as a person, even realized to some point what i want and what i like. I always think I don’t like anything. Then as the chapters unfolded i could see all my wishes coming to life, becoming a reality. I told myself i am blessed with these things, almost everything i wished for maybe small things they’ve been granted. Then for the first time in my life i called myself a lucky son of a gun. Then i realized my last chapter had ended i’ve just started a new one. I decided to call this chapter My experiments with Life and here I am ready to go anywhere, ready to do anything. No hold backs, no binding my hands and legs with my mind. I am released from this bondage of holding back. I’ve decided not to lie(actually it’s been long since i’ve stopped lying except for few situations), but not now no few situations will be there. I will keep myself healthy. I live a reckless life i will let that continue in this chapter, i love my recklessness. I will work, concentrate on my work, of course get some more tattoos. I will do everything my heart desires ( and i know how clean my heart is). I will live again as i have lived for so many eternal moments. I won’t miss a single chance to feel alive. I will deal with my frustrations the way it should be dealt with. I will cry when i want to, laugh when i want to, do crazy stuffs if i want to. No more barriers from anyone or anything( although breaking the barriers has always been part of my life). If I am crazy, I am crazy. I will Fly in this wilderness, i will write, i will plant the words till it bears fruit. I will experiment with everything that’s in life. My experimenting days with drugs are far over now, now i’ll experiment with life. Make a fool of myself, i don’t care. Life here I come again, this time i am too sober and clean. Beware the gust of life bursting out of a deep pit. And the thing about labeling myself with an adjective, let me hold on to that thought. As Franz Kafka said “People label themselves with all sorts of adjectives. I can only pronounce myself as ‘nauseatingly miserable without repair'”. I love this guy. Cheers to experimentation.

Tired of living/ Unwilling to die

Lost in this wilderness

the thought aspires

the mourning of the dawn

awakens my wary eyes

blood so sweet

i dream to drown

in this eternity called life

where can i find

where did you find

the will to live

you ask from me

where has my thoughts drowned

the feelings i long for

nowhere can be found

i wander, i roam around

what i’m searching for

maybe one of the Gods can shine

time, bloody time

her wonderful body

covered with blood and sweat

i imagine my life

try to describe

whom am i to define

drugs they seem to save

but take it all away

heaven on earth

virgin’s blood

lack of reason

absurdity fusion

so tired i am

sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep

for forever is all i want.

The life of Words

So hot feels like a loved one’s on fire

in a room filled with horrors

cramped, lost

where am i, where are you

you toss and turn

images of thousand souls

gone and yet to come

the smell of dead baby’s corpse

a perfume to it’s mother

words realized

yet misunderstood

pain deranged

pleasure molested

i crave to understand

winds, are they not airs

memories floating like a dream

a nightmarish vision of time abused

fucked by her own father

the creator weeps in sorrow

all that’s left to survive

all that’s left to remain sane

words as we give life to them

Who wants to live forever?

As this is my first post(i thought it as my first post), i thought i might start with a topic that’s been haunting me for I can’t remember how long. I am not a professional writer nor I wish to be one. I just love to write. I have been fascinated with death since i was a kid. I love the whole concept of dying. I am not eager to die now, but if i do die now I really won’t mind. This remind’s me of a Pink Floyd song “The greatest gig in the sky” and the line the song open’s up with “and i’m not frightened of dying, any time will do, i don’t mind, why should i be frightened of dying, there’s no reason for it, you’ve gotta go some time”.  I haven’t yet got into the topic i intended to write about. This is what happens with me, I start with one thought and get lost into thousands of them. Anyway let the chips fall where they may, I’m gonna write.  This fascination of death led me to the thought; does anyone really want to live forever or is it just the fear of dying and  the pain it comes along with that makes people want for an eternal life. Life is full of shit. No one can deny it, yeah there are moments when you feel everything is perfect, you feel like you’re the center of the world and everyone and everything is revolving around you but most of the time it’s the feeling of being the Titan Atlas carrying the whole world in your shoulder. I am not a pessimist, rather i am an optimist. It’s the whole thing about loving death that makes people think I’m a pessimist. I love life, I love and enjoy each moment I’m alive. But when the word forever comes to mind, I am totally lost, how long is this forever, will this moment have any meaning in this forever or all the moments will be a big moment where nothing can exist. Will we be happy and be able to live in/for a moment or this same happiness will turn into boredom even unhappiness. I feel pity for the Count Dracula, I’ve always felt pity for this character even though I love him. Even with all the riches in the world, all the popularity, Freddy Mercury, the frontman of one of the biggest band in the world kept screaming on the stage in front of thousands and thousands of crowd “Who wants to live forever?”.

Words

Are we really free?  I can remember telling myself one day i’ll be free, took me 10 years to realize i was always free or never could be free. Words playing with each other. Words are like rivers you can make it flow in any direction. I always get caught in this web of words. My mind plays around when someone tells me something i can’t exactly understand what they mean, they can mean anything, only the speaker knows what he is trying to say. We the listener are dumbfounded but we walk around as if we understand everyone, everything. If everything is abstract where do we stand, how high can we go but still keep our feet on the ground. They say, they come and they go. Everything ends; beauty of life or is it? I sincerely don’t know what i’m writing. Words they’re magical keeps on flowing, changing direction. Confusion is all that’s left. Everyone is confused. I don’t know if i’m the only one who finds life strange. Strangest life i’ve ever lived. I don’t recall living other lives. Words, fall like snowflakes, rain. You can write anything and it becomes beautiful. Words give meaning to everything we do i.e. gives meaning to life.  we cannot imagine a world full of humans without words. Just imagine the deafening silence or screeches and growls. Waiting for the feeling to come back.Taste is still there but no feelings. Can’t feel anything. I don’t know if i’m in love. Anyway love is overrated. It  needs feelings and i’ve none of them left. Everything’s overrated or underrated. I’m not that sure . I spend almost eight hours in the office and i’ve  nothing to do but i don’t even feel bored. What can someone do  when he/she doesn’t feel. Yesterday, today, tomorrow; what separates them is sleep. Of course time but rule out the existence of time. For normal people sleep differenciates their past, present and future. Imagine a world with dog as our masters. All the human beings slaves. would dogs commit crime? hurt their own species for no specific reason? eat their own kind?  Guess I’m a happy person cause i can’t feel.I am a good listener so i laugh and nod my head when the time is right. I can’t believe the image of myself is me. i don’t know how i should look like.Anyway nothing matters.Confusions, too many of them, no connection. Where are we? Nepal. Why? I don’t know. Then the person starts thinking and all thinking can lead to is more confusion.All great minds are confused. All our life we’re trying to connect the invisible dots with a long invisible thread.  Every single individual digging their own grave from the day they were born.How deep is your grave? Thoughts flow like winds. it’s so hard to capture a thought and dwell in it. Is thought related to feelings somehow. Concentration, patience, passion . I’ve lost everything. I am enlightened. fuck enlightenment. Sometimes I wonder if Gautam Buddha had more feelings than me.